we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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