That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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