I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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