While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize