I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
