Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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