I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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