ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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