You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
