I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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