I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
