I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
