my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
