Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
