Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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