do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
