the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
