were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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