I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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