Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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