Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
