Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
