I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
