I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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