You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
