Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
