if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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