If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
