glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
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