giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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