I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
