so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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