I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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