only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
