Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
