My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
being pregnant is like rehab
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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