He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Randomize
