also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm getting married
To pizza
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
