Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
