Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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