my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
