When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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