So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
