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I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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