tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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