i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
