booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
