3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
