Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
