I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
