Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
