We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
