i always forget guys have bellybuttons
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
