Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
