Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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