The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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