whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Dignity is for republicans.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She's the barista slut.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
