I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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