I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
