Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
