so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
