I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
