I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
