Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It's shark week go big or go home
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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