I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So apparently I’m into choking now
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