I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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